Change is in the air

It's funny, that expression 'change is in the air' probably isn't used that often when in the tropics and there is no change of season or length of day. I miss that, the hint of a cool breeze during the late summer that lets you know that fall will be arriving shortly.  Or the first day you can bask in the sun in the middle of winter and feel the strength in the rays that will soon be able to thaw your body and the world around you. You feel this in your bones; you know it's coming long before it arrives. That feeling of change extends beyond the seasons, it is a part of life. The feeling that something is going to give, to change, and you feel it deep inside you. I have been feeling this for awhile, this need for change that's lurking on the horizen. I won't lie, it both excites me and terrifies me.

We have a lot of obvious changes coming our way. First will be the arrival of our son, the addition to the family and the changes that brings. This corresponds with the completion of my contract and the end of my post-doctoral research in Singapore. That signifies the end of my paycheck. And living on one salary in Singapore is hard for the short term and impossible for the long term. Thus there will be change. It will be the first time that I am without a job or a pursuing a degree. That makes me a little nervous. I like my job and I like working. But it is the right time to be at home with the babies and I am grateful for that. In my heart, I feel very lucky to have uninterrupted time at home at this stage. It is also time to step back and figure out what works best for our family, and how best to pursue that path. I feel confident of these things, but there is always that little worry that sneaks in the back of your mind--what if I don't like staying home all day? What if the kids drive me crazy? What if I am not a good stay-at-home mom? What if money is too tight? What if I can't find a job again? Or at least a meaningful job? The challenge is not letting the "What ifs" run your life but rather to leave them aside as the meaningless fears that they are. 

In many ways we have been living the good life in Singapore for the past three years. We have been blessed with good jobs, a growing family, the opportunity to travel, and ability to save for our future. Why would we want anything to change? I often wonder if we'll look back on this time and think, 'What were we thinking by hoping for something else?' But on the other hand, we know that something is missing from our lives, something more subtle but central. It is so much harder to look for the intangible. I wonder what it will be, where life will take us next, what the future will hold. I suppose that it is all part of the journey: the excitement, the fears, the changes. We know that nothing ever stays the same. And thankfully for that because without change, we would never have the call for something more.